Recently I helped a friend by working from their home for five days while her family went on vacation. I was house, dog, and Dementia sitting. My friend’s mother in law lost her husband earlier this year, was moved across the country into their home, and has Dementia.
Let’s call her mother in law “Mary.” Mary is physically extremely healthy, walks independently, reads the newspaper cover to cover, understands every bit of what she read, and can discuss every topic if it is shortly after she has read the article.
What Mary cannot do is remember anything that is in her short term memory bank, which is why she reads the same newspaper multiple times per day, as it is new to her each time she picks it up. I always thought I understood what caring for someone 24/7 is like, I have twins, and that was not always easy!
Someone once described caring for their mother with Dementia like this; “when you raise children and tell them something, they eventually remember but when you tell a person with Dementia something they continually forget.”
With my recent experience, my teammates knowledge and of course medical professionals, here are some tips to help you stay sane, and minimize anxiety for the person in your care.
Use what I call “Prompters.”
- I typed up a list in large font, printed it, and displayed or placed it everywhere that Mary spent significant time!
- On her nightstand, at the kitchen table where she reads the paper, in the bathroom, and the table by her chair in the living room.
- Much like the movie “50 First Dates,” I wanted to ensure when Mary woke in the morning, she read her prompter so she would not be anxious wondering who the stranger was sitting at the table.
Stop saying “remember I just told you,” or anything similar, easier said then done I know!
- When Mary forgot my name a few minutes after reading her prompter, and asked again, I simply answered her and followed my name with additional information I was sure she would ask next.
- When we say things like “remember…” and Mary could not remember, it can cause anxiety, frustration, and anger, because NO she cannot remember.
Discuss things they do remember!
- One morning Mary said, “I know my mind isn’t working right and I can not remember so many things.” That broke my heart, thus, to restore her some dignity, and hopefully make her feel better, I said “Mary, how about we talk about things you do remember?
- I asked Mary how she met her husband, if she went to college and where, when she married, and how many children she had. *Eventually long-term memories diminish if a person lives until the end of their disease.*
Chit Chat!
- I found that after long periods of too much quiet that if I just chit chatted about anything really, that Mary would begin to engage in whatever I was talking about, then she would often tell me something she recalled or ask me questions.
- It appeared to me that the simple act of “chit chatting,” about nothing really put Mary at ease. She may not have remembered my name, or where her family was, but I sincerely believe she felt comfortable with me because I took time to engage her.
Go for a Drive.
- In our new Covid World I believe we all intimately relate to the term “stir crazy!” A change of scenery is good for the mind, and soul!
- When Mary and I would go out to run an errand, or just a drive, she would say things like “I love all the mature trees lining this street,” or “Oh I remember this area.”
- I put on a radio station that plays oldies and I would start to sing, shortly Mary would chime right in!
Music!
- Music therapy is HUGE! Do not save listening to oldies for a car ride! Ask Alexa or whatever device you have to play favorite artists of your loved one and watch them transform!
The most important advice I can offer is this, give yourself a break, quite literally! Have someone else step in for a few hours as often as you can! Once Covid is a thing of the past, consider adult day programs, and or in-home care.
